Pokemonochrome
by ciel lacrimosa
Summary: White begins an adventure with her friends, Cheren, Bianca, and Black in the completely safe world of Pokemon. With a useless Oshawott named Caspian, a mysterious Tympole named Megaboy, and a man with hair of cabbage, what's going to happen?


Yo. Here's my first story/parody~ Err, this isn't _that_ preplanned, so content in latter chapters may not make sense. Don't take this fic that seriously, please, and yes, it's supposed to be in script form. Anyway, have fun reading!

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><p>The story starts off with White visiting her aunt Professor Juniper (which is not at all canon) at her strange black and white void.<p>

Juniper: Hey there! Welcome to the world of Pokemon!

White: Oh. Auntie... Hi. Why do you do this every time I vis—

Juniper: Right! This world is full of Pocket Monsters.

Minccino pops out of the Pokeball in Juniper's hand.

Minccino: God, finally! I was dying in there! Hey, lady! How about you feed me every once in a while?

Juniper: They're usually called Pokemon for short.

White: …

Juniper: Pokemon possess miraculous power, come in all shapes and sizes, and live in all kinds of locales.

White: I'm going to get some juice.

White leaves, leaving Juniper behind to run her mouth about shit everyone knows and don't really care about. She begins to ponder about things.

White: Crap. There isn't a fridge in this place... Why does auntie live here sometimes? How does she sleep? And eat? …I don't even want to think about that.

White comes back to Juniper, who has been standing in the exact same position since she left. Apparently she finished her speech. Minccino is nowhere to be found.

White: Hey, wasn't Minccino here just a minute ago?

Juniper: Are you a boy? Or a girl?

White: This shit again?

Juniper: You're a boy, then?

White: I'm going to smite you with hellfire.

Juniper: Well, I want you know your name, too! So... Tell me your name!

White: …you _know_ my name is C-

Juniper: Your name's White! That's just wonderful!

White: Well, it could have been something like Hilda...

Juniper: Now then, allow me to introduce you to your friends who'll accompany you on your journey.

Juniper proceeds to pull a hologram device out of her ass. Could be figuratively, could be literally.

White: Why do you need to _introduce_ me to my _friends_? And I know I only have three friends, as much as that hurts to say. Cockwad Cheren, busty Bianca, and... And... Well, Black. Black's something, alright.

Juniper: This boy here is Cheren.

White: THAT WAS A BOY? I guess saying "cockwad" makes a whole lot of sense now.

Juniper: He's a bit moody at times, but he's very frank about things.

White: Come on, you know there are better synonyms for "moody" and "frank". Although if you think about "frank" just right, you're pretty close...

Juniper: This girl is Bianca. She tends to take things at her own pace, but she's a persistent one for sure.

White: That sounds like you're throwing the dog a bone to every creepy, virgin male everywhere. I'm going to have to watch out for her, I guess.

Juniper: And lastly, this boy is Black.

White: I thought his name was B—

Juniper: Although he can sometimes say things without thinking, he's very knowledgeable about Pokemon.

White: At least the latter part of the sentence shows he's better than Bianca.

Juniper: And now, I've given the four of you monsters in a box that can attack you, so have fun with that.

White: Oh, wow! That's the auntie I know and love! Thank you.

Juniper ignores her niece and continues to talk about things White already knows. White eventually falls asleep.

Juniper: ...and remember, strangers with green or orange hair are evil, so don't talk to them!

White wakes up.

White: I wasn't sleeping, not at all.

Juniper: So I'm going to teleport you into your room with your jerk "friends". Bye.

White: Oh. I wish your personality was consistent. Whatever, bye auntAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, WHAT IS THIS—

After many traumatizing images and backwards music, White is pulled into her own dimension. She can feel her shoulder being shaken. Apparently she fell asleep or something. I don't know, dimension travel is complicated stuff.

Cheren: Hey, wake up. Bianca could be here any minute within the next forty five days.

Black: You should have more faith in her. It's _at least_ ten less than _that_.

White wakes up. The first thing she sees is the Wii in front of her plasma screen.

White: What? I had a PS3. Where did that thing come from? Don't tell me I lost all my Infamous data!

Cheren: I don't think she's working properly, Black.

Black: Hit her! ...No, that's a horrible suggestion.

Black pulls out a knife.

Black: Now _stabbing_, that's another thing.

White: Put that thing away or I'll put it away for you.

Black: Oh, would you do something like that? That's nice of you! You're always such a good person, White.

Wait, White? What? That's not your name.

White: Yep. I'll put it away in your arteries.

And yeah, why did you do that? And why did Cheren call you Black? My aunt called you Black, too. Hell, she also called me White!

Cheren: Weird stuff. Maybe she's a witch.

White: I wouldn't doubt i— oh, god.

White hears a thunderstorm in the distance and the floor beneath her begins to shake rapidly. She latches on to Black.

White: APOCALYPSE EVERYONE GET—

Bianca: I'M HERE NOW, I'M HERE NOW! I'm so sorry for being late!

Cheren: I know your bosom is huge, but it shouldn't take you that long to haul yourself over here. It's only about a minute's walk. We've been waiting for _three_ _days_. The Pokemon are probably dead now.

Ignoring Cheren, Bianca notices (!) White's strangling grip on Black's arm.

Bianca: Oooh, did I miss something?

White: …oh, no. Nothing. Sorry, Black. Now let's skip all this unimportant stuff and just open the box already.

The group hovers over the gift box in amazement and curiosity.

Black: It's _blue._

Cheren: Oh, for God's sake, let me open it. I call the Snivy.

Bianca: The what?

White: No. You get the Snively, but I get to open it. You dick.

White tugs at the masterfully tied green ribbon and allows it to drift to the floor for Bianca to collect.

Bianca: I WANT THIS POKEMON IT'S MINE MINE MINE!

Black: I know I'm stupid sometimes, but come on, Bi. Come on.

White lifts the cover of the box to reveal four uguu monsters, who are for some reason not in a Pokeball. They're panting and obviously in bad health.

White: Oh my god! They're dying! ...Well, we'll worry about that later. Get your Snively or whatever, Cheren.

Cheren pulls out the arrogant-looking green snake thing.

White: Wow, that fits you perfectly. It's also an extremely typical choice. Sorry, readers.

Somewhere, a wall collapses.

Black: Crap, I wanted that one, Cher! Can we share? ...Ha! I'm Shakses... pear.

Cheren: You can't just share a Pokemon, Black. You know that as well as I do. You studied with me when we looked up the Pokemon. Did you forget all the material?

Black: Snivy, the Grass Snake Pokemon, which stands at exactly 2'00", and weighs 17.9 pounds. Its abilities are Overgrow and—

Cheren: Okay, okay! You proved your point.

White: Alright, so Cheren or Black or whoever, tell me what these last three are.

Cheren: That fire one is Tepig.

White: It looks cute and derpy now, but it looks like it may grow to be pretty powerful later. I think I'll take it!

Before White can even touch it, Bianca swipes it and nearly hugs it to death. Readers groan at the typical choice again.

Bianca: Now I have two Pokemon already! I'm gonna name you Blaise!

White: ...Um. O-okay. I feel sorry for it. Although it does have a pretty cool name, so good job on that, Bianca. Guess its between these last two... Cheren?

Cheren: Those two are both water types. The one on the left is Oshwaott. The one on the right is... Tympole? How did it get in here and how has it not died?

White: Blech. What the...? I mean, Oshawott doesn't look too hot either, but that Tympole... It doesn't look like it's capable of anything.

Black: I can be the judge of that!

Black steps up to the box and his eyes immediately go into animu-watery mode.

Black: It's... it's... it's _Megaman!_

Cheren: We all saw that one coming a mile away.

White: Huh. Now that you say it... It does have a little, _tiny_ resemblance, if you're not counting the first boxart Megaman. What if it evolves into him?

Cheren: No. Copyrights and all that.

White: Oh.

Black: I'm going to love it forever and ever! I mean, sure, it looks pretty goofy and lame, but that doesn't matter! His name'll be Megaboy.

Cheren: Black, I'm pretty sure that it's a—

Black: Tell me later! I've gotta go feed him. He looks like he's a second away from death. See ya in a jiff!

Black disbands and goes downstairs. Attempts to flirt with White's mom can be heard, but won't be put in writing because the pick-up lines were that horrible.

White and Cheren turn back to the box. Oshawott is the last one left.

White: I don't want that thing.

Cheren pulls a book literally out of nowhere and shows her an evolution line. There is a picture of Samurott.

White: I want that thing.

Bianca: Let's battle now!

Cheren: But they're dying.

Bianca: Whuh?

Only now she notices that Tepig is sneezing smoke and panting very heavily.

Bianca: Oh nooooooooo! Blaise, I'll save you!

Bianca runs downstairs and joins Black in feeding and tending to Megaboy. Cheren and White look at each other and sigh.

White: I hate them sometimes.

Cheren: I hate them all the time.

White: So, what now? I'm not going down there...

Cheren: I actually brought berries with me. I figured that Bianca would take forever.

Pulling Oran berries out of a bag from his pocket, he hands some to White.

White: Thanks! If anything, you're always prepared.

Cheren: Is that supposed to imply something...?

Ignoring him, White turns back to the box and gives the Oshawott a berry.

White: Here, little guy, this'll make you feel better! Do you want a name?

Oshawott squeaks happily. White notices something strange. Cheren watches with the same don't-give-a-shit look he always has.

White: ...that's weird... The Minccino auntie had spoke... Maybe she really _is_ a witch...

Cheren: Something wrong?

White: Nah, I'm fine. Hey, got any good names for it? And what gender is it?

Cheren: Not exactly. And let's see...

He walks over to the box and gently lifts Oshawott, looking under its tail. The startled Oshawott tries to escape, and Cheren sets it back down.

Cheren: It's a boy.

White: How can you look up a Pokemon's ass and not be fazed? Whatever.

Hm... I'm going to name him Caspian.

Cheren: And Snivy here shall be Franziska.

White: You're a damn nerd.

Cheren: A nerd who would like to battle.

White: But aren't they like... still dying?

Cheren: Not at all. They heal rather quickly.

White: ...If you say so. Whatever. Come on, Caspian!

Caspian jumps out of the box and hugs White's leg. She begins to sniff.

White: I-it's so cute...! But I'm not a pussy girly girl like Bianca. Hey, get off my leg and use Tail Whip or something.

Caspian stares at her, having trouble comprehending what a tail is supposed to be.

Cheren: ...I don't think you'll ever get a Samurott.

White: Oh, come on. It's just a baby... I think. It needs time to learn! Besides, maybe this is a bad idea anyway. I don't want my room to be destroyed. Like last time. On that one Friday...

Cheren: S-stop! Yes, yes, I agree, it is a wonderfully horrible idea and we'll battle later.

Bianca and Black enter the room again.

Black: Hey, you guys! I missed you!

White: You were gone for like, two minutes.

Black: I missed you anyway. Oh, hey, did you guys battle yet? I heard its required for trainers to battle in their best friend's room before you can do anything else.

White & Cheren: That's a stupid lie.

Bianca: Let's battle! GOOOOOOO BLAIIIIISEEE!

White: WOMAN WHAT ARE YOU—

Bianca: USE TACKLE ON MEGABOY!

Megaboy flops around like a dumbass but swiftly dodges the attack at the very last second. Unfortunately, it jumps backward into the expensive plasma screen television and manages to knock it over.

Black: Megaboy!

White: Plasma screen!

Cheren: You're all idiots, I'm leaving.

Cheren leaves. Black rushes over to Megaboy and stares at Bianca, tears welling up in his eyes. White rushes to her plasma screen and does the same.

White: How could you do such a thing! How!

Caspian gives her a consoling hug.

Black: M-Megaboy, you need to fight back! Use, uh... Use...! Scratch!

In between her sobbing, White catches Black's order.

White: But it doesn't even have claws.

Megaboy uses scratch and hits Blaise. Blaise faints after one hit.

White: What. In the actual fuck.

White continues sobbing in absolute disbelief.

Bianca: Nooooo! You killed Blaise!

Bianca runs over to Black and attempts to murder him. She's foaming at the mouth.

Bianca: You killed him! YOU KILLED HIM!

Black: Bi! Ow! Stop! B-Bianca, you've gotta listeeeeeaaaaaghhh! White! White, help me!

Instead of using Caspian, White tackles Bianca herself and they almost imitate the scene of a Lesbian's Gone Wild DVD before they both stumble to their feet. Bianca notices that Blaise is standing, but is noticeably tired. Again. Bianca picks up and holds Blaise in her arms.

Black: I don't think I'll ever ask for your help again...

White: Really? I thought you would enjoy that. Not that I did it for you or anything.

She finally notices the state of her room. Total destruction is everywhere, the exact thing she was trying to avoid earlier.

White: Whoa! There's footprints on the walls and everything! ...I don't get how that makes any sense.

Anyway, my room looks someone held a frat party in it. I don't want to pick this shit up, though.

Black: I can clean it! ...Well, I would, but I kind of wanna start the adventure now.

White: That's nice of you, but yeah, so do I. Mama'll take care of it.

All three of them go downstairs, where Cheren is waiting.

Cheren: I heard quite the ruckus upstairs. And a lot of feminine screaming... Did something happen up there?

White: Weeeeell...

Black: That was me! That was me.

White: What?

Cheren gazes at him with humor in his eyes. If you looked hard enough, you could probably see a smile. _Probably_.

Cheren: I see.

White's mom either doesn't notice the situation or doesn't care about what her daughter does upstairs with her friends.

White: Anyway, Mama? There's this huge mess upstairs and I'm too short to reach some of the stains on the wall. Can you clean it up?

White's Mom: Sure thing, princess! It will be right back to normal in no time.

White: Thanks! Well, we're off to auntie's lab so we can start our journey in the dangerous wilderness and quite possibly die like Papa did.

White's Mom: Alrighty! Be safe! Oh, and take this Xtransceiver thing I doubt you'll ever use. I hope you grow up to be an amazing trainer like I was!

White receives the Xtransceiver.

White: Thanks again, Mama. Later!

The group heads outside.

Black: She's the only sane human in this town. I wish Pops was that normal.

Black has images of his dad heating dinner with a flamethrower, interrupted only by Bianca's sobbing.

White: Bianca, stop crying. Blaise is okay. You should be crying over my TV you guys will never be able to watch again.

Cheren: I'm sorry, _what_?

Bianca is still sobbing despite White's order and runs home.

Black: Bi! We've gotta go to Juniper's lab! Agh...

White: Shit. Well, this means I have to go console her or something. Cheren, you can go dick around auntie's lab. Black, you can—

Black: I don't wanna leave you, White! And I'm mad at Cheren, so I don't necessarily wanna hang around him either.

White: …hooookay, you can come with me, then.

White raises her leg to sprint, but falls flat on her face. Ignoring Black's laughter, she goes again, only to end up back on the ground.

White: WHY.

Black: Forget how to run, Whiwhi?

White: No!

Black, being the modest one, doesn't look anywhere else but her shoe. He notices an indent that reads "For Walking Only".

Black: Oh, that would explain it! Your shoes say "For Walking Only".

White: You're making this up. Tell me you're making this up.

White removes one of her shoes, flips it over and to her disbelief, he isn't. Her face drains of color in rage.

White: Never in my life. Have I had a shoe. That made you incapable of _running_.

That's it, I'm done with this world.

White tosses her shoes over the white guardrail, yelling "Fuck you!" and walks past Black.

Black: Whiwhi, what are you doing...?

White leaps over the guardrail and plummets into the water where she hopes to drown. The last voice she hears is that of Black's, calling out her name. Caspian, who she had almost completely forgotten about, watches, oblivious to the situation. White thinks about her TV and a montage plays of the moments they spent together as she floats down, deeper and deeper...


End file.
